Clowns Are Evil.
I love Halloween. Always have. I like costumes. I love candy. Disney’s Halloween Treat is some of the finest programming to ever grace the airwaves. And “Monster Mash” is the jam. However, in the run-up to this year’s Halloween, I want to take a moment to broach a subject that far too often gets swept under the rug in popular culture. NBC will not be running any “The More You Know” PSAs on it, the police will not be handing out any literature warning you of it and your parents never did have a sit down to talk with you about it. But deep down in the core of your being you know what I’m about to tell you is true, just like I have known it to be true since I was four years old. And if you take nothing else away with you this Halloween besides a sugar coma and the entire basket of candy the neighbors were dumb enough to leave out with a “Please take only one” sign, know this: Clowns are evil. Period. From your run-of-the-mill street mime all the way up the food chain to Bozo himself, clowns are evil to the core. Like mayonnaise. Like black jelly beans. Like Ticketmaster “convenience” charges. Don’t believe me? That’s cool. I brought exhibits…
THAT JUST HAPPENED!! And that’s just what they do to super awesome bikes.
You see, with Freddy, Jason, Ghostface and the like, you know what you’re in for. “Ok, that dude is obviously going to try to kill me.” But, you know what, I appreciate their honesty. There’s no ambiguity. It’s a run, fight or die situation. But a clown? Oh no, they paint on a happy face and slip a ridiculous polka dot onesie over a black beating heart of death. But it’s a trick. No one is going to hang around if they see a dude in a hockey mask walk through the front door, but a psychopath with a red rubber nose just might slip through the cracks. And remember, John Wayne Gacy didn’t reach for a hockey mask to hide behind. Nope, he reached for the face paint. Which is why I live my life by a very simple rule: Never trust anyone who paints a smile on their face. For reals. Because clowns are never what they seem. Sure, they’re all smiles on the outside, but on the inside they’re either a psychopath or some kind of predatory demon life-form like in that Stephen King movie I never saw because it had a #$%&ing clown on the cover. And always keep in mind, clowns are not just coming after your physical body. Those demented circus freaks and their over-sized, floppy shoes are coming for your soul, too. And I hate to break it to you, but if your parents ever hired a clown for your birthday, they hate you. Watch your back.
Now, there are multiple ways to fight a vampire: garlic, crucifix, sunlight, steak through the heart. You’ve got options. And even with a werewolf, you can always pop a silver cap in its hide or even take a more hands on approach if a silver bullet isn’t handy. But I wouldn’t even know where to begin with a clown. And even if you did take him out, chances are he’s got 27 of his buddies in the car with him. You’re screwed. You’ll run out of ammo long before the last suspender-wearing death dealer waddles out of the car to take you down. It’s a no-win situation. So, you see, clowns are like STDs: It’s better to just avoid them entirely than to take your chances and deal with the repercussions. And trust me, a burning sensation when you pee will be the least of your problems.
And just to be clear, there are no good clowns. No clown is to be trusted under any circumstance. Ever. Oh, what’s that? You kind of like that red-headed windowless van owner that sold you a cheeseburger. If only there was some video footage I could show you to wake you up out of your naïveté. Oh, wait, there is….
Truth: It just shot you in the face. You’re welcome.
Now, I know what a lot of you are thinking: There is no such thing as vampires or werewolves (that we know of) and I’m just holding onto an irrational fear of clowns that I developed somewhere in my childhood. Maybe. All I know is that they creep me the #$%& out and that something isn’t right with a person who views clown as a viable life choice. Listen, clown, I don’t want your balloon animals. I don’t want to smell the flower on your lapel–I know you’re just going to shoot me in the eye with your demon water. And I hope you ride your unicycle into a semi truck. And you can all laugh at me now, but I bet no one will be laughing when a body turns up with a size 18 shoe print on the back of their head from where they got curb stomped by a circus act.
Look, I just want everyone to have a safe and happy Halloween. I’m just speaking up because I care. And I’m almost positive that if Freddy, Jason, Dracula or Ghostface show up at your Halloween party, they’re probably just there to have a good time, flirt with all the girls dressed up as naughty whatevers and maybe pass out on your lawn. That’s all fine and dandy. But just do yourself a favor, if a clown should show up, keep an eye on him. He could just be there for the free food. But he’s probably there to kill your entire family and drink your blood. I’m just saying: Have a plan. And have that plan involve setting the clown on fire……and then putting those ashes into another fire just to be sure. Better safe than sorry.
With all that being said, I hope everyone has a great Halloween and that you rack up on all the good candy and not something lame like popcorn balls. Seriously, if you’re handing out popcorn balls, you deserve every egg that finds your front door. Them’s the rules. I didn’t write them. It is what it is. But if somewhere in your Halloween festivities (or in your everyday life, God forbid) you should run into a clown and you start thinking to yourself, “Hey, this clown seems legit,” just remember: Things aren’t always what they seem. What looks harmless in broad daylight, could look very different come the witching hour. In fact, it could look something like this. Yeah, let that soak in your mentals. And haunt your dreams. You may not sleep tonight, but you’ll thank me later when you’re the only one to make it out alive because you knew that freak in the corner with the painted smile on his face was bad news. You’re welcome.
Well, I feel better now that I’ve gotten that off my chest. My job here is done . You have all been warned. It is time to sign off. I leave you now with the words of a wizened sage who also sees through the makeup to the black abyss inside and whose words ring out like a church bell, calling the masses to gather and partake of the wisdom of the ages.
“When I see professional clowns, mimes, or people who make balloon animals, I think of their relatives and how disappointed they must be.” –Jimmy Fallon
Well said, Jimmy. Well said. Happy Halloween, everyone.