Winning Graciously Is For Losers

Fantasy Football is a fickle mistress…..no, wait, that’s putting it too mildly. Fantasy Football is a heartless bitch who will screw you over any chance she gets. She will burn down your house and make out with your best friend on the ashes. Then she’ll make that her Christmas card. That’s the kind of gut wrenching pain that I, along with millions of others across the country, put myself through every year. And, sure, you can swear it off…..but you’ll be back. You’ll always come back. You know it, I know it, and that black-hearted harpy for damn sure knows it.

Because as soon as Spring starts to give way to Summer, you’ll begin to forget about the soul crushing agony and just remember the good times. You’ll just remember how much fun it was that time you had Aaron Rodgers and Arian Foster on the same team and how they would put up ridiculous amounts of points each week…..and it will completely slip your mind what it felt like when the two most sure things in fantasy that year were shut down because the Lions’ and Giants’ defenses somehow managed to be competent in the same week. And the week in question? The first week of the fantasy playoffs.

And then you’ll go on to reminisce about the euphoric feeling of owning Jimmy Graham in a PPR league….and completely overlook the gut punch of the time you just needed a measly eight points from him, only to have him tweak his ankle on his first reception and spend the rest of the game as a decoy. Oh, sure, he was still out there–the fantasy she-devil made sure of that. It was her great pleasure to watch you watch Jimmy hobble around for three hours in the vain hope that maybe, just maybe, he would catch a pass or two to preserve your playoff hopes. But he didn’t. Of course he didn’t. Because, you see, you are merely Fantasy’s plaything, a toy for her amusement–DANCE, MONKEY, DANCE!!!

But as training camps begin to open, marking the beginning of the final countdown to another NFL season, all of those painful memories will be but mere distant, shadowy recollections in the far recesses of your mind and you will once again hear the siren call of Fantasy and point your battered ship toward her alluring song once more in the hopes that this time it will all be different. Because you’re an idiot. Just like the rest of us.

Now, having said all that, you would think that should the day arrive where Fantasy decides to not mercilessly kick me in the junk and I emerge victorious from the rabble clamoring for fantasy glory, that I would remember the struggle and heartache and accept my crown with more than a touch of grace and humility……NOPE!!!

THAT’S RIGHT, I WON!!! ME, NUMERO UNO!!! I’M KING OF THE WORLD, BITCHES!!! EVERYONE ELSE IN THE LEAGUE CAN EAT IT!!! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

In fact, I’m just going to leave the score from the championship game here for posterity:

Why, yes, that is 28 points you see from my kicker. How’d that taste, Dark Knightz? THAT’S WHAT YOU GET FOR BESMIRCHING THE NAME OF THE GREATEST SUPERHERO OF ALL TIME!!!

Yeah, it took me about three seconds after the final game clock expired to decide that class and friendships are overrated and to begin to draft my victory letter to the league. Are victory letters customary in our league? Nope. But you know who doesn’t give a rat’s ass about “customary”? Winners. And in this case, that would be me. And as the recipient of a football-shaped trophy and a windfall of literally dozens of dollars, I make the rules around here.

So here it is, the letter that I posted to the league website to commemorate my glorious achievement….and also because I’m kind of a jerk. READ IT!!!

Dear Losers,

It goes without saying that we here at the GPC couldn’t be more thrilled with our total domination of your “teams” over the course of this season. While it didn’t really come as a surprise given the fact of how truly awful all of you are at every facet of the game, it was nevertheless our great pleasure to crush all of your hopes and dreams. It is what truly motivates us. In fact, we are currently looking into methods of collecting and preserving the tears of the foes we’ve vanquished in order that we may bathe in them at our leisure. Once the system is perfected, our Tear Collection Agents (TCAs) will be in contact with each of you to make collection appointments at your earliest convenience.

Now, as we share in this great day in the history of mankind—us on the throne of victory and the rest of you in the doldrums of despair and hopelessness—we think it only appropriate to pause and reflect on the enormity of the moment.  Just three short seasons ago we entered this sad little league as an upstart underdog with no keeper and only blind hatred and rage to keep us company…and Jimmy Graham, who you wizards let slip to the ninth round because you all were “too good for tight ends.”  Three years later, the TE spot is now mandatory (You’re welcome for the foresight.) and we stand before you as champions—no doubt, in large part, because we were in the enviable position to further retain the services of Mr. Graham for a fifth round pick.  This season was truly the full flowering of that seed planted three years ago. And since it is the policy of the GPC to give credit where credit is due, we would like to thank all of you for being the manure that helped it grow so quickly.

In closing, and in the spirit of the holiday season, we here at the GPC would like to wish all of you a Merry Christmas in the hopes that the ineptitude that plagues your fantasy football lives doesn’t extend into other areas of your existence to the point that you are unable to assemble your children’s Christmas toys correctly or operate motor vehicles. We’re almost positive that if you all try hard enough you can somehow manage to not horribly injure yourselves or your loved ones this holiday season. Maybe.

And even though the 2013 fantasy year has now drawn to a close, know that the memories of the numerous merciless beatings we handed out this year will forever warm our heart…much like the heat from the smoldering remains of your “teams” warms your collective hands as you all stand huddled together around the dumpster fire that was your fantasy seasons. Good times.

Lastly, we here at the GPC are eagerly looking forward to the awards ceremony, where we will gladly accept both your trophy and your money…to add to your pride and dignity, which we have been taking all season long. We hope you are as excited as we are.  See you all there.

Again, thanks for being terrible at fantasy football.

Sincerely,

Aaron
Owner/CEO/Imperial Overlord
Greyskull Power Company
KFFL Champions 2013
“We have the power.”

So, needless to say, I did not toss the ball to the ref and act like I’d been there before.